Revolutionary Road

This is a movie about a young couple with a nice house, plenty to eat, two healthy children, a solid source of income, and a sense of hopeless despair. Frankly, upon watching it, I wanted to slap both of them in the face. Only in American cinema are people so self-obsessed that they think they can make a whiny, melodramatic film like this and believe an audience would sympathize with their pathos.

Sam Mendes has made a career attempting to tap into that suburban sense of anxiety that most people who have rigidly followed the American dream sooner or later experience. "American Beauty" (which was essentially a gutless rip-off of "Fight Club") did the same, and with "Revolutionary Road" Mendes goes even farther away from the "Fight Club" blueprint he should be following.

The film begins with Frank Wheeler (Leonardo DiCaprio) watching his wife April (Kate Winslet) at a play. It's clear that the play is awful, and although Frank tries to comfort his wife about it afterwards, he does so in a way that is callous and insulting. The Wheelers end up in a massive fight and it soon becomes apparent that there are issues at work beyond Frank's response to April's failed theater debut. An interesting thing about the opening scene is that, as the film progresses and you learn more about April, you find yourself reassessing it and realizing how April contributed to the explosion. Frank consistently says the wrong thing but April doesn't say anything at all. Both of the Wheelers feel they are beyond reproach, yet both of them intentionally antagonize the other by carefully and deliberately pushing the sensitive little buttons that married couples are unable to keep hidden from one another forever.

April gets the idea that it's their boring suburban surroundings that are destroying them and that they should sell their house, Frank should quit his job, and they should move to France. This is a romantic idea and Frank initially gets excited about it even though all of their friends think they're being absurdly immature. While the Wheelers are planning the move, they go through a period in which they are extremely happy, buoyed by the dream that they are finally "getting out." This happiness phase leads to April getting pregnant and Frank getting offered a promotion and the trip to France, inevitably, gets put on the back burner.

"Revolutionary Road" is one of those films that seems tailor made for Academy Award recognition. The actors are Academy darlings, and the screenplay has a lot of places for people to scream and cry at the same time. "Revolutionary Road" does succeed in making you feel something. The "happy breakfast" scene at the end of the film is about the cruelest thing I've ever seen one human being do to another on screen. I'm not going to say much more about it for the sake of avoiding spoilers, but I do find it disgusting that our society screams and moans about the dangers of graphic violence in films, but when one person is emotionally cruel to another, you never hear a peep. In fact, if it's a female torturing a man, this emotional cruelty might even be celebrated.

"Revolutionary Road" is a work along the lines of "Madame Bovary" or "The Awakening." It is a story about two people who immediately embrace despair at the first sign of hardship. If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that you've got to roll with the punches and that half the time when you don't get something you want you end up with something else that is fifty times better than you ever could have imagined. I suppose it's tempting to leave the theater with the thought that the Wheelers might have made it if they had gone to France. However, that thought is absurd as well. Don't you think they would have encountered hardships in France? Wouldn't they have had financial problems, problems with the language, problems with the culture? The problem with the Wheelers is that they have incorrectly assessed their issues. It's not where they are that's the problem, but how they interact. They both need to mature, but since neither of them cares to see that, they decide to blame the neighborhood.

I'm curious to hear how audiences respond to April. Back when I was in college, I was amazed how students could have positive impressions of characters such as Madame Bovary and Edna Pontellier; characters who cheat on their husbands, abandon their children, and succumb to a largely invented misery. These characters do represent real life personality types, but their actions are unfortunate rather than heroic and should be labeled as such. You've got to trust your feelings, but at the same time, you've got to hold them in check; especially when they are driving you to the brink.

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Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior

So I was just innocently watching TV the other day when a movie began. I turned it on just at the end of the opening credits and the only thing I caught about it was that it was made by "baa-ram-ewe Productions." Recognizing that "baa-ram-ewe" was the sacred chant from "Babe" (the movie about the talking pig), I assumed that I must be watching "Babe 6: Babe gets stranded in Thailand" (it's a miracle that I didn't change the channel). As the opening shot panned down from a flag that had been fastened to the top of an ominous looking tree to a group of determined looking young men who were covered in dry mud, I kept thinking, "where's the pig?"

It was only when the young men began playing a spirited game of "climb-the-tree-as-fast-as-you-can-while-violently-throwing-all-your-competitors-from-the-highest-branches-to-crash-painfully-to-the-ground-below" that I began to suspect that maybe this wasn't a "Babe" movie after all. Indeed, it turns out I was watching "Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior" (it gets confused with "Babe" all the time), and when Ting (Tony Jaa--a westernized version of his real name) emerges from the thronging, tree-climbing, mass of humanity and triumphantly holds forth the captured flag, there is no doubt as to which "Thai Warrior" the title refers.

Before I go any further, let me just say this. Sometimes you are just aimlessly flicking around your billion or so cable TV channels and you stumble across some movie you never would have otherwise watched (or even heard of) which turns out to be the most incredible thing you have ever seen. My experience with "Ong-Bak" was along those lines. In many ways, "Ong-Bak" is completely absurd and I admit I watched the first fifteen minutes or so with my thumb dangling over the "channel" button. But every time I had finally decided to resume my surfing, something would happen in "Ong-Bak" that made me pause. It was only when Ting started reluctantly fighting for money in the shadiest of Thai bars that I became completely hooked (who can resist the dream lifestyle of kick-boxing for money in Thailand?).

The plot is meaningless; it's something about how a small village's sacred statue loses its head (I get the impression they take their sacred heads seriously in Thailand) and Ting had to go to the city to get it back (in order to ward off the drought, or famine or something). Ting's adventures are only an excuse for him to show off a set of acrobatic skills that make Jackie Chan look like a blundering oaf. For example, there is a chase scene that, by any technical movie-making standard, goes on about three times longer than it has any reason to. However, you don't mind because the chase serves no other purpose than to allow Ting to perform a series of athletic feats which I would have thought were impossible (he dives through a 1 foot diameter, barbed-wire ring at a full run while touching his toes...that's hard to even visualize, much less do). Sometimes you can't even comprehend what's happening because it flashes by so quickly, but luckily "Ong-Bak" comes from the school of thought which often shows a complicated piece of action two or three times from two or three different angles and has at least one version in slow-motion.

"Ong-Bak" is a Thailand production (which is why the actors have names like Pumwaree Yodkamol or Suchao Pongwilai) and it shows in the action. My impression is that in pansy Hollywood, they would have used CGI for 90% of the extreme fights. In a place like Thailand, however, CGI is expensive and human lives are cheap, so they probably just ran over people, filmed it, and found a nice shallow grave to discard the bodies. But even with the behind-the-scenes speculations aside, you can tell this is not an American film because, towards the end, it gets brutal. There is a scene involving a broken leg, a scene involving a broken arm, and a scene with a saw blade that you just aren't going to see coming out of Hollywood. Let's just say it momentarily put the cartoon violence aside and made me wince.

But, hey, isn't that what you want in a martial-arts movie? Tony Jaa is the real deal, he moves just like Bruce lee but looks a little meaner. His patented attack is to fly through the air and kick people in the face with his knees. He also likes to do a flying elbow smash to the top of the head which causes blood and brain matter to fly out in all directions (plus he can jump through the aforementioned barbed wire hoop as a bonus). This is the world's perfect "guy night" movie. It's the kind of thing you can put on in the background while you're playing cards with the assurance that your friends will get distracted allowing you to sneak a peek at the flop before you offer your opening bet. But be warned, don't invite anyone to the party who has a reputation for getting on your nerves because you'll probably be inspired to try one of Tony Jaa's patented roundhouse kicks to the forehead and you'll probably dislocate one of your own hips in the intent.

I'm off, I just discovered that Ong-Bak 2 is already in video stores and I HAVE to watch it tonight! You NEED to go off and rent Ong-Bak now!

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Twilight

Here we have another movie about angst ridden teenage vampires because...you know...even with all the inherent vampire problems of feeding on humans, having their souls damned to hell, and the weight of immortality, the only thing teen-vamps really care about is whether or not they're popular in high school.

Young Bella (Kristen Stewart) arrives in Forks, a town that is perpetually shaded in fog and rain making it the ideal place for vampires to try and live normal lives. Bella is having all the typical problems of an adolescent who has moved to a new school in the middle of the year, and just when she's starting to learn the ropes, in walk the Cullens, a weird group of kids who show an oddly mature fashion sense and don't mingle with the others much. They are all the foster children of Dr. Carlisle Cullen and, seeing as how they're the hottest kids around, they've taken to pairing up with one another like the close family.

Did I mention they were weird?

Well, they also all have deathly pale skin and occasionally can be caught doing feats involving super-human speed or strength.

In short, for a group of vampires trying to live incognito they seem to be going to great lengths to draw attention to themselves.

Bella is quickly drawn to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) who is the kind of skinny guy with a big head and HUGE hair that girls seem to get all misty eyed over these days. While watching him, I couldn't help but think that this was the type of role that Hayden Christiansen would have KILLED to get (as opposed to the garbage he's been doing lately like "Jumper" and "Awake"). But the "Twilight" executives seemed to go to great lengths to cast people you've never seen or heard of before (often settling for actors who eerily resemble other famous people) and it worked out fine (because most famous actors don't have any more talent than the waiters who never caught a break and are still tending tables in Hollywood).

Edward is a...get this...VEGETARIAN vampire which means he only eats animals! Haha! By that definition, I'm a vegetarian too. He quickly falls in love with Bella and confesses that he wants to be around her mainly because she's got an intoxicating aroma that drives him into an almost uncontrollable feeding frenzy. Bella is naturally swept off her feet in a way that takes the phrase "he looks at her like a piece of meat" to a whole different level.

Then commence a series of unintentionally funny scenes in which Edward talks about his absurd life which involves going to high school over and over. Yeah, that's what I'd do with immortal vampire powers too. He lives with the head vampire Carlisle (Peter Facinelli) who looks like a cross between Tom Cruise and Eric Bana (with a bit of Mathew McConaughey thrown in depending on the light). Peter Facinelli seems to have elected to try and channel Tom Cruise's Lestat performance from "Interview with a Vampire" and God only knows why he decided to do that (didn't Rutger Hauer ever play a vampire...somebody should try and channel him).

The Carlisle likes to engage in wholesome activities like playing baseball (really!) and during one of these outings they come across a herd of rogue vampires which include James (Cam Gigandet) who looks so much like Brad Pitt that it can't be an accident. Things get complicated when James decides he just has to eat Bella, and all kind of Vampirical warfare ensues.

Oddly, for a movie about vampires, the vampire element doesn't provide the main drive of this film. "Twilight" is a teen romance with all the melodrama and "oh my god I'm just going to DIE!" feelings of despair that we all used to have when we were 16. I guess it's easy to just laugh those things off, but what I've learned is that the actual pain you feel when you're 16 is no different than when you're 32 or 48, it's just with the intervening years that the stakes become bigger. So, one part of me wanted to laugh at this film and dismiss it, and the other part kind of enjoyed it. To a large extent, "Twilight" stays out of its own way. It's little more than a fancy made for TV movie, but it seems to be aware of itself so it more or less works...barely (and I just like the fact that it's got nobody famous in it).

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Bangkok Dangerous

This is the kind of hit man movie that Amy Tan or Jane Austin might have written. It's about a perfectly acceptable assassin who quickly degenerates into a soggy biscuit as a result of some absurd desire to start "exploring his feelings." Talk about stupid. Just when did the concept of having a hired killer explore his feelings start to seem like a good idea for a movie? What demographic are you trying to appeal to with that amalgam, the sensitive-homicidal?

Nicholas Cage gives his typical interesting/weird performance as Joe (a name that's supposed to send shivers down your spine as a result of is commonness). In the opening five second narration, Joe seems cool enough as he sits in some restaurant by himself eating dinner. He's prattling on ambiguously about his work (which we already know is in the serial killing industry), and it all sounds as bad ass as assassination should until he drops the bomb on us by saying, "I'd like to meet someone, but it's difficult in my line of work."

What?

Hired assassins don't want to "meet someone," hired assassins view all other people as ants and think of themselves as gods. That's why we like assassin movies. Obviously, your typical audience only likes assassin movies so long as it doesn't impinge on their tenuous sense of morality. What we want from a hit man movie is to be able to see a guy who doesn't have to deal with it if some idiot attendant behind the counter screws up his flight reservations. There's no, "I'm sorry sir, you can lodge a complaint with customer service," and the ensuing forty minute wait that all the rest of us have to endure...no! With a hit man it's just "BANG! YOU'RE DEAD, NOW GET ME A FIRST CLASS SEAT AND A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE!"

Catharsis, you see, you get the idea? This is what we need from an assassin movie. This is the machinery by which an assassin movie becomes profitable!

But no, "Joe" decides to start having an attack of conscience, which is just idiotic when you consider all the thousands of atrocities he must have committed to get to where he is. Where was his conscience during his other three hundred kills? To make matters worse, "Joe" befriends a piece of street trash named Kong to run his errands for him. He picks Kong because he observes him slickly robbing a group of tourists. After a quick conversation with Kong, it's easy to hate the guy. But Kong is another case where the movie decides to pull the rug out from under you. The characterization of Kong goes from garbage to noble (with almost no intervening steps to explain the radical change) and we, the audience, are once again left with the feeling of being denied of a perfectly good (and semi-justified) gratuitous murder.

To make matters worse, "Joe" starts running around calling himself "the teacher" (this while looking longingly into Kong's eyes) which, in itself, has the potential to be cool. Here we're thinking that at least "Joe" might dish out some excellent hit man knowledge, but all he ever says is asinine garbage like "squeeze the trigger, don't pull it." DUH? Hell, everybody knows that. If a teacher at hit man school tried to teach you that he'd get laughed out of the building.

Then, "Joe" decides to fall in love with a mute girl who works in the pharmacy and who gazes at him with the kind of glossy-eyed innocence that you only see in three month old puppies. Naturally he falls in love, and their "romance" involves romantic walks in the parks where they hold hands (not the kind of passionate, scratching, battling, torrid sex scene that a hit man movie warrants).

It's only at the end of the movie that "Bangkok Dangerous" returns to its bloodthirsty roots, but by then we're sick of getting played with and absurd conclusion rings hollow. I have a hunch that this was a project that started out with a cool script, but then some idiots decided to tinker with it along the way and they ended up with a piece of garbage. My guess is that somewhere out there is a very hurt hit man who is disgusted at the mess Hollywood made of his assassin screenplay and he's out for revenge. Hopefully he takes it (only sparing Cage because he previously made "Lord of War") and then writes a new screenplay about the endeavor which the next group of directors follow to the letter.

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About The Movie Ranter

My philosophy is that most movies suck, most actors are incompetent, most directors are blind, most editors are bungling and most screenwriters are illiterate. But worst of all, most Movie reviewers are COMPLETELY IDIOTIC!

Most reviews are composed of 2/3 plot summary, 1/6 self-aggrandizing on the part of the reviewer, and 1/6 idolized gushing over some second rate performer that the reviewer has a hard-on over. In short, they're completely worthless to read.

My reviews have almost no plot summary, no pitiful actor gushing and 60% more self-aggrandizing (and honesty...but who cares about that?). Most reviewers act like they're on a distatched pedestal and can offer an unbiased opinion of a film regardless of everything else that's going on in their lives.

To that, I say hogwash!

If I woke up constipated and ran over a dog on the way to the cinema, it doesn't matter if the film is the second coming of God's own movie...I'm going to be irritated, I'm going to be angry, and I'm not going to enjoy it.

SO, what I do is include that kind of information (extremely personal information if necessary) into my reviews so that you...the review reader...can hopefully extract some information that is useful to you on whether or not to see the movie.

But actually, my purpose isn't so much to encourage you what to see as to offer you a place to discuss what you have already witnessed. Films are organic, their meaning changes over time, their meaning is often completely different than what the actors, directors, screenwriters end editors ever intended...and that is a good thing because every now and then, by accident, without realizing it, and without having a hope ever to repeat it...

Filmmakers produce something wonderful.

And that, I suppose, is why we continue to sit through so much rubbish.

By the way, all the links under the 2008 heading go to my Streets of Lima page where they were originally published. Becasue they are located there instead of on "The Movie Ranter" they are not included in any page searches. You can search them by searching Streets of Lima instead.

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