Bangkok Dangerous

This is the kind of hit man movie that Amy Tan or Jane Austin might have written. It's about a perfectly acceptable assassin who quickly degenerates into a soggy biscuit as a result of some absurd desire to start "exploring his feelings." Talk about stupid. Just when did the concept of having a hired killer explore his feelings start to seem like a good idea for a movie? What demographic are you trying to appeal to with that amalgam, the sensitive-homicidal?

Nicholas Cage gives his typical interesting/weird performance as Joe (a name that's supposed to send shivers down your spine as a result of is commonness). In the opening five second narration, Joe seems cool enough as he sits in some restaurant by himself eating dinner. He's prattling on ambiguously about his work (which we already know is in the serial killing industry), and it all sounds as bad ass as assassination should until he drops the bomb on us by saying, "I'd like to meet someone, but it's difficult in my line of work."

What?

Hired assassins don't want to "meet someone," hired assassins view all other people as ants and think of themselves as gods. That's why we like assassin movies. Obviously, your typical audience only likes assassin movies so long as it doesn't impinge on their tenuous sense of morality. What we want from a hit man movie is to be able to see a guy who doesn't have to deal with it if some idiot attendant behind the counter screws up his flight reservations. There's no, "I'm sorry sir, you can lodge a complaint with customer service," and the ensuing forty minute wait that all the rest of us have to endure...no! With a hit man it's just "BANG! YOU'RE DEAD, NOW GET ME A FIRST CLASS SEAT AND A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE!"

Catharsis, you see, you get the idea? This is what we need from an assassin movie. This is the machinery by which an assassin movie becomes profitable!

But no, "Joe" decides to start having an attack of conscience, which is just idiotic when you consider all the thousands of atrocities he must have committed to get to where he is. Where was his conscience during his other three hundred kills? To make matters worse, "Joe" befriends a piece of street trash named Kong to run his errands for him. He picks Kong because he observes him slickly robbing a group of tourists. After a quick conversation with Kong, it's easy to hate the guy. But Kong is another case where the movie decides to pull the rug out from under you. The characterization of Kong goes from garbage to noble (with almost no intervening steps to explain the radical change) and we, the audience, are once again left with the feeling of being denied of a perfectly good (and semi-justified) gratuitous murder.

To make matters worse, "Joe" starts running around calling himself "the teacher" (this while looking longingly into Kong's eyes) which, in itself, has the potential to be cool. Here we're thinking that at least "Joe" might dish out some excellent hit man knowledge, but all he ever says is asinine garbage like "squeeze the trigger, don't pull it." DUH? Hell, everybody knows that. If a teacher at hit man school tried to teach you that he'd get laughed out of the building.

Then, "Joe" decides to fall in love with a mute girl who works in the pharmacy and who gazes at him with the kind of glossy-eyed innocence that you only see in three month old puppies. Naturally he falls in love, and their "romance" involves romantic walks in the parks where they hold hands (not the kind of passionate, scratching, battling, torrid sex scene that a hit man movie warrants).

It's only at the end of the movie that "Bangkok Dangerous" returns to its bloodthirsty roots, but by then we're sick of getting played with and absurd conclusion rings hollow. I have a hunch that this was a project that started out with a cool script, but then some idiots decided to tinker with it along the way and they ended up with a piece of garbage. My guess is that somewhere out there is a very hurt hit man who is disgusted at the mess Hollywood made of his assassin screenplay and he's out for revenge. Hopefully he takes it (only sparing Cage because he previously made "Lord of War") and then writes a new screenplay about the endeavor which the next group of directors follow to the letter.